I’m one of life’s busy people. There are never enough hours in the day, days in the week to do what I plan to do. I am never bored. That way of living has tripped me up during lockdown this past week.
It’s all very well, writing, gardening, baking, reading, cleaning, posting on social media, blogging etc but I go at everything hammer and tong and don’t leave any time for me, to look within, and be still.
I came a cropper this weekend, and everything got the better of me. It all started when I stuck some blossom twigs in a jar to make an Easter decoration on Good Friday. I miss the family, my three grown up children and my granddaughter so badly it hurts. It’s an ache that I feel deep in the centre of by being, in my womb. It was the same when my eldest son left home and went to University. I was a wreck, and would sleep in his bed, hugging his dressing gown, hoping to smell something of him. I wanted my family home for Easter Sunday, as I suspect so many did.
I needed something physical to do and decided to deal with this deep level of emotion by tackling a part of the garden that has become overgrown. It is a lovely spot, at the end of the greenhouse, that catches the afternoon sun, and a perfect place to sit and read.
I worked for six hours solid, digging, and pushing barrow loads of weeds over to the other side of our plot. I cried as I worked, howled for my missing children, and refused to speak to my husband who was trying to comfort me. The end result was great, and I was very proud of my work. I’ve sown borage, nasturtium and calendula seeds to make a blue and orange garden. It will be wonderful in the summer.
I also came a cropper in my sober journey, and whilst I didn’t cave in, I came very close to it. I am over five months sober, and thought as I was shopping on Saturday, I’d buy my husband a bottle of red wine to go with our planned Easter meal. He’s not given up alcohol but has had nothing to drink since lockdown began. I’ve not been tempted to drink for months, but from nowhere, the wine witch came sailing in on her broom stick.
“It would be fine to just drink in moderation,” she said. Just a glass with Sunday dinner, what harm can come of that. The force of the pull was enormous. I know myself well. I do not do anything in moderation and knew it would be a slippery slope.
I reached out to my friends in The Sober Club, and I was very grateful to Janey Lee Grace who talked me down. Janey pointed out that I was one of life’s busy people, and whilst I had many worthwhile pursuits, I was not going within. I was not allowing myself time for myself, to calm the chatter, to silence my overactive mind. She suggested I look at EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and pointed me to some tutorials.
On Monday I really crashed, with a pulled muscle in my groin, an aching back and shoulders and the most incredible tiredness. I had to stop!
This morning I’ve downloaded Deepak Chopra and Oprah’s meditation app with a free 21 day course, with a few to committing to daily meditation. I also joined Beccy Owen and lots of others for a fabulous Zoom choir, with Beccy Owen’s Pop Up Choirs. It was glorious, and a lovely sense of community. I was an emotional wreck however, as we sang “I Shall be Released” and Bob Marley’s ‘Everything’s Little Thing’s Gonna be Alright”.
We can only hope and pray it will be.
Stay Safe and Stay at Home.
Past posts you might find interesting: